Waking at 8am - ish to find a text from your daughter at 6:30am asking if she can stay at home today IE not see you, because she's feeling tired would normally put one in a funk.
Thankfully, by the time I'd actually read, and understood that text message, chloe had sent another, saying to not worry, and that she would be up as normal.
Surely she knows me better than this by now, and that there's no chance of her getting a response from me at 6:30am on a Sunday, probably not even if she rings me.
Still, out into the sunny world I went, wearing my new shorts, t-shirt and shoes (converse knockoffs). I'm aware that I have a review to write for my good friend Mr Launay, and those good folks at Beacon. Being as organised as I am, despite knowing I would need to do it all week, I of course leave it to the last minute. Like it's something I hate doing. I feel at the outset like I'm doing homework, but once I get started I quite enjoy watching and then commenting on the videos.
Sometimes it's easier than others, depending on how easy to watch the video in question is. This time round its quite the pleasure, and rather funny. I always feel very satisfied to complete the review and to send it off to Steve - this time from my blackberry whilst getting off the train taking Chloe home.
I make it harder for myself each time, by not just getting it done. Instead I'd rather sit back, procrastinate and let the guilt for messing Steve about make me feel progressively worse.
Another thing that made me feel worse, was a telephone call from Helen. My long lost, now seemingly demoted friend. She'd sent me a message last week about arrangements this coming week to celebrate our respective birthdays (mine is on the 13th, hers the 15th). I had replied by text saying that I'm not free 15th - I have Chloe on an overnight stay, and that maybe we could do something the Friday, but that I know that's normally the night she has her grandson to stay.
She called me this evening, I didn't hear the call as I was in another room. Leaving one of her charactistically lengthy voicemail messages, asking me to get in touch, by phone preferably. Do I feel guilty because I think I'm avoiding her? Am I avoiding her? Am I ? I just don't know how to rebuild a friendship with someone I've lost contact or common ground with.
Maybe I'm just a bad friend and a douche of a person.
I'm not very good at sorting these things out, but sort it I must. I am perhaps all of the above, and probably making things a lot more complicated than they need to be.
I fell asleep for a while this evening, laying on the sofa, the sun streaming in through the windows. This has left me a little more awake than normal for this time of night / morning.
A couple months ago I removed the TV from my bedroom as I'd gotten into the habit of watching late into the night. I now find that instead I end up on my iPad, surfing the Web or looking at facebook (yes I fell off the wagon) . Sometimes I may even be staying up stupidly late to watch something on BBC iplayer. That's just ridiculous.
I need to have more self discipline, about being constructively creative, and about going to sleep.
On that very note....
Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.