Monday, 30 September 2013

Emotional Cycle

Monday 30th September 2013. 23:15

After a late night - despite going to bed reasonably early, I just didn't get to the sleeping thing. I quite surprised myself by getting up just after 7am and making a commitment to cycle to work.

I was rather chuffed with the fact that despite leaving the flat about 7:40 I arrived on site at work at 8:03. That's come quick journey considering I haven't cycled that far in years.

This was also a good thing in that the energy enlivened me for the day ahead, even with the problems and dramas of the previous week. I have felt back in control. The little wobble or concern of last week has been covered, contained and dealt with efficiently and quietly. No major investigations needed. I just paused and asked a couple of people for their help and opinion in what was going on, and what they were feeling.

A year ago, I wouldn't have had the confidence or self assurance to be able to do that. I also wouldn't have been able to count on the support of my boss.

I spoke to her about it today, and she clearly said that she has no response to give me that indicates that there is anything going wrong or headed in the wrong direction in how I am dealing with things. That I am doing things well, and the right way, and that I should continue to be in control of what's happening in my team.

Sometimes, some people just have the need to bitch and moan. Sometimes, the need of me, as their manager, is to reel that in, and to put a lid on it. There's no value whatsoever in sitting down and bitching all the time. It may have a limited form of comfort, but it does fuck all to drive you toward any solution at all.

The quickly passing year made its mark as I cycled home tonight, having left work an hour and a half late, it was getting dark. Thankfully most of my route home is cyclepath, so I was at least safe. First thing after arriving though, I did (after feeding the cats, so okay - second thing) was to fit the lights to my bike.

I also didn't have time to have any breakfast this morning, and hung on till lunch. A lonely lunch without Kat, who I usually go to lunch with, as she's on holiday. I wasn't tempted to splurge out though on something involving chips. I was good. The goodness continued once the lights were on the bike. I didn't feel the need to have a meal, or to snack. I had a couple of Muller Corners.

Maybe I've turned a corner eh ? I'd really like to get my weight back under 15 stone again. I hate feeling this bloated and really notice the size difference in the clothes that I wear.

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Don't take away my take away.

Saturday 14th September. 2013.

Well, aren't I awful ? It's been a whole ten days since I last wrote anything in the blog. A whole ten days where the rest of the world - or at least the fifteen or so people that stumbled across my page - could rest in peace without my opinion chucking, boredom logging drivel.

Anyway, for anyone that was actually missing my documentary upon the life of the fallible fella, then I guess here's what you've been waiting for.

Last week I got the wrong night for when Steve, Helen and some others were going to come round mine to do some filming. This actually took place on Tuesday, September 10th. It was the first time in about six months since I've seen Helen. We started about an hour later than planned, because I was delayed leaving work, and Steve was later getting here than he'd anticipated - having held off on his earlier plans because I had let him know that I was working late.

As it happens, I got a taxi from work. First time I've ever had to rush AWAY from work like that, only to wait here an hour for everyone else to turn up. Still, When they did arrive, it was a very good evening, with a not unexpected level of laughter and mucking about from some people.

It was really nice to see Helen again. I was worried that things between us would be really strained, but actually when she turned up, it was rather easily as if she had not been absent from my life for such a period of time.

She really isn't having a good time of it, with the problems that's she having in her family. After the filming was done, we sat and talked and caught up, until about half past midnight.

I was so glad that I had arranged for the filming to take place on an evening before my day off.

So I had a day off. What did I do on my day off ? Well apart from lots of not very much, I did actually sit down with my Chromebook for an hour or two and designed a process chat for the guys at work to follow on some stuff we're working on right now.

That's right, my life is so fucking sad. Hardly rock and roll.

As the being late getting out of work on Tuesday indicated, it's been a tense few days. So much to do, and so little time to do it in.

Tonight, I went out for a lovely meal with Paula and Tony and Steve. We'd originally planned to go for an Indian, but I had asked if anyone else minded we have Chinese food instead, as I had ended up eating two lots of Indian take-away last week. (long story that I will make short, or at least a little interesting later on).

Fantastic evening at the L'Orient in Fareham. It's just so nice to make the effort and go out of an evening and spend time with people, having nice conversations... we had a ranging spectrum of subjects though.

I am going to have to talk more about the events of the week, including an update on teenage terror, but right now, I want to get some sleep. Catch ya later.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Ooops. Calendar malfunction

Tuesday September 3rd. 22:58

Okay, so I messed that up. I thought it was tonight that the guys from Beacon, including my near estranged friend Helen were coming over. I was wrong. Not for the first time lately, I got the wrong week.

Oh well. Glad that I call Stephen and checked when I got home. The conversation went something like...

Me '.... so Steve, when are you guys thinking of getting here for the filming...'

Steve ' Errr. Next Tuesday. Like I said in my email.'

Me 'Bollox'.

I have not heard anything from my temperamental teenage daughter. Nothing since the outbursts /  chaos of the weekend. At least I know she is alive and well. Well enough to be posting things of facebook at any rate.

Having suddenly found my evening a lot more empty than I had expected, I finally pried my sorry ass off the sofa around 21:34 to have a crack at the editing I have promised to do for Steve. I was just getting into my stride, trying to find all the files concerned, chose between doing the edit (or at least initially) in iMovie or in Final Cut Express, when the batteries in my 'magic mouse' announced that they were about to die.

Not that fucking magical of them then.

I took this as a foretelling that it was time to give up, pack up, and go to bed. By go to bed, I mean get into bed, and write a blog entry (this one) on my Chromebook.

The shenanigans with meetings and stuff at work meant I could not keep to my normal routine of going to lunch at 1pm. This meant that I didn't get to share it with my friend, which I find sad, as it certainly gives the day a nice break and she provides a nice distraction.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Coming round then ?

Monday 2nd September. 23:39

It was hardly any surprise that after that sort of day, that my exit from the building was executed with expediency.

Tomorrow Steve is coming over to do some filming at the flat. This is filming for the 'Doorstops', series. One of the people coming over to do this is my friend Helen. The one that I haven't seen in about six months.

It's been sad that our relationship as friends has suffered over the past year, but there have been several things brewing along to contribute to that. Some things I guess will seem in the light of day to be rather pathetic.

People that stay in your life stay in it for a reason. She and I have been friends for over twenty years and it would be a shame really to lose her as a friend, although I am aware that people grow and change and that things don't stay the same. Things move on. People move on.

I also need this week to get started on the editing for Steve that I have volunteered to do. This, like everything else will be harder to start than it will be to actually do. Just the motivation to not turn on the bloody TV of an evening and crack an hour or two's work on the footage he's sent me.

(sober) reflection

Monday. September 2nd. 2013.  13:32

It's been a funny old morning, in a chaotic sort of sense. Of course this wasn't entirely unexpected. It's Monday after all.

Never ceases to amaze me how much people must store up how pissed off they are with things over the weekend to wait to call us on a Monday morning. It's that swamp, that surge of people calling that ends up leading to longer waiting times, and therefore even more pissed off people.

I was thinking last night, that perhaps my melancholic bleating of heart Friday night was part alcohol lead, part delirium. It takes some getting used to, to realise how old I am (or much older) than a lot of the people that I work with.

Without sounding patronising, it's worth me pausing to recall just how dramatic everything was for me back at that age, and how short of life skills or knowledge of how to speak to people I was.

There were many occasions of upset, of broken heart (mine) or just plain misunderstanding. But me, and the people around or directly involved all got through it.

That's life. You have to find a way to deal with shit, in your own way. To navigate a path through it all. It's not how you deal with things when they're brilliant that defines character, it's how you deal with things when they go wrong that does.

As much as it's possible to really admire someone for a number of reasons, lets not kid ourselves that it could lead to anything more.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

Alarming Teenage moment

Sunday September 1st. 2013. 23:07

There was a plan this weekend for me to have Chloe to stay overnight an extra weekend. This was so that her Mother could go out for the evening. Always keen to spend more time with her, I agreed to cancel my plans for the evening and have her to stay. It's hardly a chore, and Chloe's mum deserves a night out.

The other week Chloe'd also mentioned that she'd like to have some curry, my Mum and Dad had suggested that we order some take-away and let Chloe try different types of curry. Chloe seemed really up for this.

I left work on Saturday, did some shopping. Aware that Chloe had already had a disagreement with her Mum because she had wanted to cycle all the way up to mine on her own. We'd reasoned that this wasn't particularly a good idea. She's never cycled that far on her own, and actually hasn't cycled from home to my flat at any point. It's also been a couple of years since the last time she cycled the route to my old flat (which is just down the road) - and we did that together.

After finishing work, I'd considered that one option was for her to take the bike to the train station, and meet up with me as normal. This seemed to get lost as a viable option. I'd also gone to Halfords and had a look at bikes. I've really missed having a bike this year, and although I don't need to cycle to work any more, I would really like to have one to make getting about easier, and just for the joy of it. I went into Halfords, having a look at what bikes they had. I thought that perhaps I could kill two birds with one stone. A solution being that I bought a bike, and met Chloe at some point and we cycled together back to my flat.

All of this consideration, and arrangement, the pleasant prospect of a nice family curry went for nought when I received a rather terse and dismissive text from her saying that she wasn't coming to mine and that she was staying at home. She'd decided that with it being the last weekend of the summer holidays she wanted to spend Saturday evening at home. Personally I think it had more to do with her being pissed that her Mother and I had organised between ourselves for her to stay over an extra night at mine, and that she couldn't come here in the method that she wanted to. The other possibility being that she wanted to 'punish' her mother some how for wanting to go out and have a nice evening out for a change.

As I'd gone shopping after work, I had caught a train straight from Havant, near where I work to Fratton, instead of coming home I'd gone straight into town to meet Chloe for the journey back to mine. Hanging around the train station in the last of the glorious summer sun, reading a book whilst the drama and tantrum played itself out.

Having been stood up by my daughter, I came back home, and went round my Mum and Dad's as arranged. When they didn't answer their front door bell, I assumed that they were perhaps in the garden or something. Having a key I decided to let myself in. This of course meant that I rapidly discovered they had gone out, actually to walk to the train station to meet up with me, and by entering the house had set off their burglar alarm. I was able to call them amongst the screeching of their alarm and find out what I needed to do to shut the bloody thing off.

We decided the abandon the curry idea until another time.

I decided not to heed my own advise to Chloe's mum, which was to not let Chloe's tantrum or 'teenage moment' prevent her from going out. I kept my evening free, in case she changed her mind.

She did not.

In the morning, having been burned by the unnecessary purchase of train tickets for both her and myself, I texted her to make sure which train she was getting. I got no response initially. Eventually I was informed that she would not be coming up to mine today either.

Chloe's fourteen, and old enough to decide if she does or does not want to come and see me. I was however a bit annoyed, to say the least for being mucked around in this way, and being dismissed so rudely.

Not a situation I am going to be able to convey to her by text or telephone. It would just provoke another argument, this time with me. I sent her a message saying I was here if she needed to speak to me. It's not what part of me wanted to say, but I managed to get my head to be the bit of me in charge of the typing.

This left me with a Sunday free. Which I then spent sitting around watching television, going on the internet, doing two lots of washing, watching the Stephen Brown videos we were meant to review and vacuuming the flat. I had food that I'd purchased to make roast dinner for Chloe and I, which otherwise was going to go to waste, so I cooked it anyway, and saved the rest for tomorrow.

Rock and roll eh ?