A little wandering does you good....

Sunday June 22nd. 2014. 20:35

Determined to make something of the summer sun, (now that it is officially summer) I have been out for a good ole walk today along to the top of the harbour, by Port Solent.

There I say, and ate some lunch, and read my kindle. Basking in the sunshine, and nearly dozing off like some old codger.

It's been a daughter free weekend, ever since we agreed that she would only see me once every other week I've been at a loss to make decent use of the extra me time that's given me. Me time is always something I've struggled to do something useful with. Normally, I'd either spend it in front of the Television, laptop or asleep.

The last time it happened, it was actually unplanned. My darling daughter decided that as I had pointed out to her that the following weekend was not only my birthday weekend but also Fathers' day that it wasn't worth coming up the weekend before. (Just too much effort I guess). I think the phrase she actually used to casually dismiss me by text message on the morning she was meant to come up was 'I want to come up, but... I'm coming up next week... so don't see why I should'. Made me feel great that one.

Don't worry Chloe, I want to get you an iphone for your birthday, but I don't see why I should.

Anyhow. That weekend, I'd commented on facebook about being stood up by my daughter and one of my friends Kat then got in contact and asked if I would join her and some other friends (people we both know from where I work) as they were going down Southsea. My usual crippling 'can't say yes to going out and enjoying yourself' reared its ugly head, but I made a point of stamping my feet and overriding the inner 'no' monster.

I went out with Kat, and Mark and Katie, and we also met up with another person we all know from work, Gabi. We had a great time, playing crazy golf (when I say playing.. I mean.. losing), and well, walking up and down the beach, enjoying the sunshine.. counting how many people form work we could spot. The others also went of fair ground rides. I stood and watched the bags, and read while they looked like they were enjoying themselves. I am sure that had I taken part as well they wouldn't have enjoyed quite so much me vomiting over them or losing control of other bodily functions.

Fairground rides are a no-go area for me. Dodgem cars are about my limit. We had a nice afternoon, and rounded the day off at Katie's flat, at which we stated till late evening.

I seem a bit old to be 'hanging out' with friends and going down the funfair, but I don't care. We all had a great time.

I have quietly skipped my birthday, which was last Friday. It was really good, went to the pub with some friends from work, and ended up at mine, after stopping to Tesco for some pizza. I seem to be a lot more social than I ever used to be before. I think I might actually crack this going out and having fun lark by the time I retire, or can't walk.

Still I hear these mobility scooters are really good these days.

Anyway. This weekend, I got up late on Saturday, which meant I broke my promise to go and help Lee move out of the room he was staying in. Thankfully he wasn't depending on only me to help him. Bad person that I am. Sucky friend.

I went for a nice walk yesterday into Hilsea Lines, and onto a park at the back of Anchorage Park. There I sat for a couple of hours, taking in the rays of the sun, and... well reading and having something to eat.

In the evening I was doing some overtime, manning the lines to help inform people that have a powercut. Six hours that doesn't really feel like work, because it's so different from what I normally do.

Then today, I shamefully got up around ten thirty.. and bummed around before deciding enough was enough. After putting out a first run of washing, putting the next lot in the machine, I grabbed my bag and headed off into the sun. Coming home about seven o'clock means I'm sitting here after vacuuming the flat, and washing the kitchen and ensuite floors in my camping chair enjoying a wind-down ice cold vodka.

Hardly rock and roll, but it's still better than sitting indoors all frigging weekend watching TV or playing Second Life, or endlessly looking for something interesting to read on either Facebook, BBC News, The Independant or The Guardian. (At least you can see I get my non newsworthy non-facts from a variety of sources).

Here I go, improbable again

Somehow I seem to never want to go to sleep when it's time that I should. Ever since childhood I've fought the instruction from my parents about going to sleep when told. Not like it's a switch you can flick I'm sure, but I used to spend many hours, hidden under the covers reading a book by torchlight. 

Ah those years of being lost in Arthur C Clarke, or James Blish, or as I grew older Ben Bova or Greg Bear. Yes, heavy science fiction really. At least that part of my childhood was normally boyish. Apparently it seems these days that it's harder and harder to get boys to read. Looking at the youngsters around me, it's not as if that's because they're spending so much of their lives outside of the home in the pursuit of activities requiring physical exercise. More likely that they're spending it slouched on a sofa or a chair playing on their Playstations or Nintendos. 

Yeah, because I'm a shining example of how to lead an active life. What a hypocrite. When I was younger  was never into sports, I occasionally played tennis with my friend Sean (when I say played, I mean he would repeatedly beat me), I would do more than my fair share of cycling. Cycling's only a habit I've gotten out of with the theft of my most recent bike. With me getting lifts into work, and no longer cycling to pick up Chloe (she refuses to be seen cycling on her bike with me) I just wouldn't really get the use of one. 

It's a shame, and if we ever have some sunny days I do question if I should just go and buy one, even if its a second hand one. I've never been a fan of buying expensive bikes, they just seem to be a waste of money and more of a target to thieves, and it's not like they need any more of an incentive. I can't remember ever owning a bicycle for more than two years. 

I woke late today, having gone into the emergency call centre last night to cover a shift for a friend that was too ill to make it. That was only two and a half hours out of my evening, and gave me the opportunity to sign up for some more on bank holiday monday. None the less, it put my sleep pattern rather out of whack, and I didn't get off to sleep till about 4am.  This meant I didn't surface from bed this morning until something around 9:30, which I didn't think was that bad actually. 

Having felt good about yesterday's activity (which I'll come to in a minute) I thought I'd take advantage of the spare time and go and see Star Trek Into Darkness at the cinema. I looked up the times online, and discovered that the 10am showing, which there was no chance of me catching was the only one until 4pm - which again seemed like a reasonable amount of time to potter around doing other things until I went to see it. 

No sooner had I decided upon my course of action, and even tweeted to such effect, than I jarred my back stepping down off my med (I have to walk over my bed to get to my wardrobe when the clothes rail I use to hang drying clothes is in front of the window). This left me reeling in somewhat a light flavour of agony. Still feels rather stiff and painful now. There was no way I was going to be able to sit down in a chair for 2+ hours in a cinema, or if I did, there was no way I was going to be able to get back up out of it again. I'm sure this would look funny as hell to anyone else in the cinema, me walking around like a 70 year old man that had shit himself. It wasn't something I particularly fancied, and the thought of spending all that money on a cinema ticket and sitting there, in pain, not enjoying the film, gave me another painful twinge. This time in my wallet. 

So I decided to put that off to another day, when my back is up to it. I do still really want to go see the film, I can't believe actually that it's been out two weeks already and I haven't seen it. I hate crowds, and hate sitting in a packed cinema even more. The feeling of being penned in with all those (other) humans makes me feel threatened and edgy. (I can tell you are dialling the mental health professionals). 

I have though, made good use of the extra time at home, and completed the application to change doctors' surgeries - I have lived in this part of the city now for over five years, and had not gotten round to moving to a Doctor that's closer to where I live. Which is a real pain in the arse whenever I need to see them and have to trek all the way to where I used to live, in the centre of town to get medical advice. 

I also called up to see if there's anything that can be done with my mortgage, now that my initial fixed rate period has ended. As much as I was excited by the prospect of this, their (Halifax) call centre system told me there was a long queue and invited me to arrange for someone to call me back. I think when this happens the call centre's message should be more honest .. 'look mate you're never going to get through to us, give up !' As it is, the said arranged call back happened just as I was eating my dinner so I ignored it, meaning I will have to call them again. I wonder whether this time I actually get to speak to a person. Maybe I haven't made it past the first level yet. 

Yesterday in another pique of productivity I cut away at the bushes that had grown up beside the pathway leading to my front door. They had become quite the menace. The poor people trying to bring my internet food shopping order up the path are really having to struggle with their tower of plastic crates full of goodies. It's gone from looking like something worthy of a David Attenborough documentary to something post apocalyptic. I don't have a before photo, but I do have an 'after' shot. 

Realising that there was absolutely no freaking way I was going to get the removed bush bits into my normal weekly refuse collection, my Dad offered to drive me up to the tip with it.  I seized this opportunity to get rid of the large box and two canvas shopping bags full of glass that I had collected over the last 18 months to 2 years. 

It's been persisting down with rain and blowing a gale pretty much since, but when it 'brightens up' I'll ask my Dad if I can borrow his spade and dig out the roots for the bushes. I quite fancy getting some shingle or pebbles (what's the difference ? - size I guess) down, and a couple of large planters or pots with some plants in, maybe even a bench. Some hanging plants would be nice too. Leaning over demolishing the bush(s) didn't help my back, which I think is why jarring it today has hurt so damn much. 

Must be careful, I'm not getting any younger. (poor old git I hear you say ?). 

I just wanted to knock out a quite blog post, on the new keyboard that I bought yesterday - that turned up very speedily this morning - but have actually gone on quite a bit. 

Back in the real world, outside the confines of my self centred life, there's been lots of horrible things happening, that I do want to comment upon, but don't want to make a half arsed job of talking about them at this time of night. They are very serious things, and I want to do them justice by talking about them with a fresh head and clear eyes. My point the other day about that poor person that died at Portchester train station, that reminded me to be thankful for what I do have and that there's always someone worse off than myself.

I think we're all guilty of moaning about the things in our lives, and I guess that's just human nature, but really, when you look at things in perspective. We haven't got a freaking clue about how much other people have to go through. Usually they are the ones suffering in silence too. When I realise that I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I make so much out of the challenges and 'dramas' in my life. 

Many are stronger

I'm reading 'The Happy Depressive' by Alastair Campbell on my Kindle at the moment (I'd started reading 'A Tale of Two Cities' but gave up). I have to say, that although Mr Campbell and I aren't exactly on the same page politically, something that I know will cut him to the core, I am really enjoying the book. 

I am finding it enlightening to read someone who works (or worked) in such a high pressured, high paced environment talk openly about his depression, and how he has learned to deal with it.

I had a similar reaction to a TV program that the wonderful Stephen Fry did a few years ago,  'The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive'.

I don't know that I would be quick to use the labelling, of depressive. (Sounds rather, er.. depressing doesn't it ?), but I have certainly been through a rather stressful time from the last month of 2011 onwards. I am much better now, there are some things that are no longer hanging over me. I had a very terrible time of it around Christmas and New Year, and things came to a head toward the middle of February.

I've felt that the big 'start of a new year' thing that I was so looking forward to, thinking that 2011 had been pretty much of a crap year, never really happened for me. From feeling that my life was on hold, and my future utterly in the hands of others, I am now left feeling directionless and uninspired in relation to my professional future.

What I've been through has really made me take stock, again, about what sort of person I am, and what sort of things I am cut out to do or be. There is no point trying to fit a square peg into a round hole now is there ?

As my feelings and understanding of myself and the environment around me evolves, things may change, but right now, I feeling rather let down by those that make a virtue of telling me that they have my best interests at heart, and that they are looking after me. They're not. They haven't, and they continue to provide fresh reasons to distrust them.

Like everything, any relationship has its time. It starts, it blossoms, and it grows, and in time, it fades away and withers. There's no point trying to get a dead plant to grow, no amount of watering and soft talking is going to produce green shoots.

People are funny things aren't they?  I only meant to write a line or two, while I waited for another video to upload. Instead I've managed to poor out a page of heartfelt (although rather vague), comma and parentheses  laden text. Semicolon close bracket.

I don't want your freedom.....

Day One...

But hang on, doesn't Lent start the day AFTER Shrove Tuesday, I may have over egged this a little. Over egged ? Pancake day ? Yes I did crack a joke, or is that yoke there...

Okay, so I've now slapped myself round the face. No more puns. (in today's blog). Today was a bit different, not just for the freedom from facebook, but because I went in much earlier to work than I have done for quite a while. A 9am start may not sound that early to some people, in fact to most people, but none the less, it was a big step for me. Prior to this, 10:30 was the recently earliest start. Being worried about oversleeping (as is my habit at the moment) meant that I didn't get to sleep until about 1:30-2:00am.

As indicated in my video last night, I did indeed get a torrent of comments from friends at the announcement I would be avoiding Facebook until further notice. A certain irony attached there, having to spend time explaining, on facebook, why it is that you want to spend time away from facebook. I know that some people have gone so far as to suspend or delete their accounts, but I didn't want to take that step just yet.

One of my friends text me later in the night (or morning as it was, but I was as described above very much wide awake), to let me know that after all the trouble I had gone to, to inform people that they could still keep up to date with my goings on via Twitter, that I had in fact, stupidly, mistyped the address for my Twitter account. Idiot. This now leaves me with the conundrum of going back onto facebook in order to correct this post. I am already in the process of uploading a corrected version of the video from yesterday. I guess that as Lent doesn't technically start till the day AFTER Shrove Tuesday (although, again I am not doing this for religious purposes, just for personal growth), then I'm in the clear. Right ?

The Eden Prescription

There is also the idea that I can set up for my facebook account to update its status with my tweets. I'm undecided if this constitutes and breach of the idea of the exercise. I, one the one hand will still not be looking on facebook, but my friends will still think that I am. Hmmm. Answers on a postcard please.

No. Not a postcard, I want to know what you think before the end of my abstinence. Post here is terrible.

So what I have I noticed so far today ? Well, I've noticed that I've actually finished reading the book I had on my Kindle. The Eden Prescription. By Ethan Evers. I have to say that at times I struggled to keep up with the science bits (never was any good at chemistry) and the sheer number of characters in it. When it gets going, it really gets going.

So finishing a book on my Kindle, isn't a new thing, but when you consider that last night I was about 88% through the book. By about 6pm this evening, I'd finished it. So, what next ? Well, I think I'm going to pretend to be all cultured and intellectual, and have a go at reading A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I did feel a little without something to occupy me at the bus stop this morning, as I arrived half asleep, but still before the bus did (which is certainly much better than arriving after the bus does). Normally I would have a browse through facebook. Today, I did not. Nor did I 'feel the need' to cop crafty looks at it whilst at work.

This evening I've vacuumed the flat (I think it's a daily chore now, I've set my standards so high), I went over and spent a bit of time, and had two cups of tea, with my parents, brought them up to date with the goings on in my life.

oooh, and I did some washing, which I must get out the machine...

The fact that I've been bothered to write a blog entry, sitting here listening to the radio, or the music on my computer, without even the barest temptation to turn on the TV, or keep flicking back and forth checking for those all important updates, leaves me feeling more... content, purposeful.

The Magical Mystery Tour

Today, work was, well. Rather work like. Apart from the distinct lack of people in (some off sick, some on holiday) it was unusually quiet - at the start at least - for a Monday. It did get busier later on in the day, but that wasn't until after I'd had my bit of mini drama with Mike.

Every now and then his mickey taking crosses the line, and he seems to be fixated on winding me up to the point where he wants to watch me cop. That's normally annoying enough (annoying that a colleague would do that, annoying that I would react that way, that he's able to 'play' me in that manner), but today he did it in front of the rest of the managers in the zone. In the end I got tired of it and asked him to back the hell off. It all sounds a bit vague, and maybe a tad overly dramatic. Behaving like a premenstrual teenager. Not cool.

Not really something I ever claimed to be. Still I managed to get my point across without swearing, or raising my voice. Much.

When I finally got to the end of my day, without any other dramas. I walked to the bus station, knowing that I needed to get home before the man from Asda turned up with my home delivery. So eager was I to catch the bus home when I got to Havant bus station, that I ended up getting on the number 23 that was traveling the wrong way. I realised this as we went past the college and into Leigh Park, and by this point had figured that even if I got off the bus, the next one that was going to be going back the way I wanted, was the one that I was on, when it made the return journey part of it's circuit.

Luckily I had my Kindle with me, so was pretty well occupied during my little trip. It's quite a nice thing to do, be on the bus as it goes round. Maybe I will try it one day, to get away from any distractions. Just sit on the bus and go round and round, doing some writing. After all with my week pass, it wouldn't cost me anything more than I normally would have to pay out anyway. Hmmm...


Chloe had put her netbook up on ebay (well, I had for her), and we'd both gotten excited about someone that had taken the buy-it-now price of £100. Chloe is really eager to get the money so she can spend some of it when she goes to France at the end of the week. I had a suspicion that something didn't quite ring true, when they contacted me by email. Initially giving a UK address for shipping, but then, when they said they'd completed payment (which they hadn't) they then supplied a Nigerian address.

About as Kosher as a bacon sandwich.

Day two

Second day of the holiday.

I have gotten up much later than I had wanted. Having gone to bed a bit later. Still up in time to catch 'Homes Under The Hammer', just because I'm nosey enough to want to look at what other people are doing with their money, and how they are able to make more by refurbishing neglected properties. It's all good stuff. I like watching it, but think that I am teasing myself a little because I know full well, that as much as I would like to try something like that myself, I just don't have the money.

End of 2009, and I'm still renting. Still stuck without even a foot or hand on the property ladder. The hope that house prices would have crashed enough to allow me to buy something of my own has evaporated with the offers to lend money by all the banks that got us into this mess.

My current home is nice enough, but it would be good to be able to do the things that only owners can do. Decorate !

I want to be able to stick things on walls without worrying that pulling off paint or plaster will mean the loss of my deposit. I'd really like to be able to have a whole wall as a blackboard, so that I can 'brain storm' or 'mind shower' (depending how politically correct you are).

I've also got this idea of putting all my DVDs on a wall, with the covers showing, in order to give this collage effect which actually shows a passage of time marked in film releases. I like going round other people's houses and nosing through their book collections. Others like to look at their music - as indeed some people have with mine.

With everything going digital, and being stored on a computer, there isn't this conversation piece. It's such a shame. I just think there's something fundamentally beautiful about a well stocked bookcase. Something about the hodge podge of colours and styles. I guess that's like life itself, in that things aren't (thankfully) uniform and monotone. As much as I love my Mac Mini, or my Netbook, they're pretty soulless. All they say about me is that I can't resist a gadget or two.

If I were to entertain any visitors now, the thing that they would gather mostly about me, and the type of person that I am is that I am messy, and don't clean enough. I never did get around to the cleaning yesterday. I am trying to convince myself to get on with that, and at the same time to get into town and start my Christmas shopping. I am tempted to purchase a copy of the Star Trek film that has recently come out on DVD.

Do I buy it, or do I wait, and let someone buy it for me for Christmas ? Decisions, decisions. Every year my Mother asks me to give her a list of things that I want, for Christmas. Each year, I struggle to find things, because I don't sit around, waiting for Christmas to come about in order to get things that I need. I just go out and buy them myself. There are plenty of things that I want, but don't necessarily need. These things I usually learn to do without. Why would I want something that I don't actually need to have for Christmas.

It seems that procrastination is indeed an art form at which I excel.