Remember me ?

It's been HOW long since I last made a post on my blog ? 

You'd be forgiven for thinking that I'd forgotten it existed. I hadn't so much forgotten it, just completely gotten out of the habit of using it. At all.

I guess I could say that the only thing consistent about my blogging, is that I'm inconsistent about it. My approach does not follow any set structure or schedule. I've not made (or if I've made, I've never been able to keep) a promise to make an entry every day, or week etc.

This hasn't happened. I never even managed to do this back in my teenage years when I wrote seemingly without restraint into my diary.

There was cake. Thank the universe for cake. 

This is not to say that this is not a habit that I should foster. Perhaps it would be a good idea to do so.

In the (considerable) time that has passed since I last made an entry many, many things have happened.

I guess I could try to list them. I'm going to fail, because there's bound to be a ton of things that I've left out. Any omission is not an indication of irrelevance, merely a demonstration of my failing memory and the amount of time that has passed since the last post.

SOME things that have happened (in no particular order) .....

I bought a new Chromebook.

My daughter came out to me that she has been going out with her friend for several months. I am very proud that she had been able to tell me this. It did not come as a surprise, which I think she was surprised about. Although my daughter's Mother and I had been concerned for some time about her sneaking out at unreasonable times of the night, we had realised that she was spending an ever increasing amount of time with a particular friend, and that they probably were more than just friends. We'd had  a really lovely conversation about how her friends and been very supportive, how there are still some reactions from some people that aren't positive (despite the massive changes in our society since I came out in the late 1980s). A side effect of this joyous occasion was that it reopened wound in my relationship with my parents about their reaction to my coming out, and how I felt they did not support me at all when I really needed them. Like I said to my mother, I am very pleased for and proud of my daughter, and it's about her. It's her day.

I've battled on with some frustrations with work. I'm constantly going on about how much it's not like it used to be, and that I don't like it anymore. Well that journey has continued. It's carried on getting worse, and I've stayed there to witness and partake of it. I have to learn to either shut up, or remove myself from the constant misery. As they say... If every day it's getting worse.. then each day you see me having the worst day of my life. I should be (and am) grateful however, I have a reasonably well paid, secure job. Much more than lots of others have. I may well be in wage jail, but in reality, I do have the keys to the cell. The power to escape. Keeps me off the streets I guess.

There's other things that have happened, but these are the main things that stick in my mind. I have plenty to say about the general election last week. Sorry to tease you, but I'm going to leave that for another entry. I bet you can't wait.

Along with the stresses of work, I've found myself in a rut over the last few months. I have noticed however some things that help me feel better.

Getting off my arse and actually doing some writing - even if it is the blog. I've tried and tried and tried to create places or times at which I am more likely to write. The truth is, that I have learnt that although there are some things that I can do that will increase the chance of me being creative.. there's no substitute for actually sitting down, opening the computer, or pad and ... er.... just typing (or writing) one word after the other into sentences.

I've taken to going for walks. Not really with any regularity, but with some moderate length. Not sure how you would categorise the length of a walk. I'd think that's purely subjective really. One man's long walk is another's gentle stroll. I've walked either from or to work several times now. It's getting much easier as the weather improves.

On Sunday, I walked into Cosham to put some bottles into the bottle bank. They were cluttering up the worktop in the kitchen. After doing my bit to recycle some glass, I figured that I fancied a bit more fresh air so walked further.. and further and further. Ended up in Gunwharf. I think I ended up walking about six miles in the end. Felt good for it.

There was cake. Thank the universe for cake.

I'm liking the walking. Gets me out of the flat, where I'm too tempted to do one or either both of two things.. sit in front of the computer or TV or eat when I don't need to. Obviously they're not that good for my health. I like the fresh air, the contemplation time.

Today (well, actually yestarday now) is my day off. I arranged to meet up with Helen for lunch. Despite a slight overlseep I managed to meet her for lunch. We went to the Trafalgar in Portsmouth and had some nice lunch and a drink. Only the one alocholic drink mind. There was also cake.

After this, I went for another walk, diverting through Fox's Forrest. Did a little circuit. Lovely sunny day, birds singing. People out walking their dogs.

Fox's Forrest. Birdsong, dog walkers. Quiet contemplation. Fresh air. What more can a guy ask for ? 

Nice spot near Whale Island on my Cosham - Gunwharf stroll

Sunday's walk from Cosham to Gunwharf nearing the impromptu destination.

Many are stronger

I'm reading 'The Happy Depressive' by Alastair Campbell on my Kindle at the moment (I'd started reading 'A Tale of Two Cities' but gave up). I have to say, that although Mr Campbell and I aren't exactly on the same page politically, something that I know will cut him to the core, I am really enjoying the book. 

I am finding it enlightening to read someone who works (or worked) in such a high pressured, high paced environment talk openly about his depression, and how he has learned to deal with it.

I had a similar reaction to a TV program that the wonderful Stephen Fry did a few years ago,  'The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive'.

I don't know that I would be quick to use the labelling, of depressive. (Sounds rather, er.. depressing doesn't it ?), but I have certainly been through a rather stressful time from the last month of 2011 onwards. I am much better now, there are some things that are no longer hanging over me. I had a very terrible time of it around Christmas and New Year, and things came to a head toward the middle of February.

I've felt that the big 'start of a new year' thing that I was so looking forward to, thinking that 2011 had been pretty much of a crap year, never really happened for me. From feeling that my life was on hold, and my future utterly in the hands of others, I am now left feeling directionless and uninspired in relation to my professional future.

What I've been through has really made me take stock, again, about what sort of person I am, and what sort of things I am cut out to do or be. There is no point trying to fit a square peg into a round hole now is there ?

As my feelings and understanding of myself and the environment around me evolves, things may change, but right now, I feeling rather let down by those that make a virtue of telling me that they have my best interests at heart, and that they are looking after me. They're not. They haven't, and they continue to provide fresh reasons to distrust them.

Like everything, any relationship has its time. It starts, it blossoms, and it grows, and in time, it fades away and withers. There's no point trying to get a dead plant to grow, no amount of watering and soft talking is going to produce green shoots.

People are funny things aren't they?  I only meant to write a line or two, while I waited for another video to upload. Instead I've managed to poor out a page of heartfelt (although rather vague), comma and parentheses  laden text. Semicolon close bracket.