Let's go outside...

After very little sleep, and being up characteristically early, I decide to get a little light vlogging done whilst I wait for the bus.

Unaccustomed as I am to recording whilst other people are around, there's a bit of panic whilst I move out the way when a bus turns up, and the passenger that gets off looks at me like I'm either someone from the funny farm or a terrorist.

Lateral Thinking

This was the video I was waiting to upload. Oh its so confusing.

Many are stronger

I'm reading 'The Happy Depressive' by Alastair Campbell on my Kindle at the moment (I'd started reading 'A Tale of Two Cities' but gave up). I have to say, that although Mr Campbell and I aren't exactly on the same page politically, something that I know will cut him to the core, I am really enjoying the book. 

I am finding it enlightening to read someone who works (or worked) in such a high pressured, high paced environment talk openly about his depression, and how he has learned to deal with it.

I had a similar reaction to a TV program that the wonderful Stephen Fry did a few years ago,  'The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive'.

I don't know that I would be quick to use the labelling, of depressive. (Sounds rather, er.. depressing doesn't it ?), but I have certainly been through a rather stressful time from the last month of 2011 onwards. I am much better now, there are some things that are no longer hanging over me. I had a very terrible time of it around Christmas and New Year, and things came to a head toward the middle of February.

I've felt that the big 'start of a new year' thing that I was so looking forward to, thinking that 2011 had been pretty much of a crap year, never really happened for me. From feeling that my life was on hold, and my future utterly in the hands of others, I am now left feeling directionless and uninspired in relation to my professional future.

What I've been through has really made me take stock, again, about what sort of person I am, and what sort of things I am cut out to do or be. There is no point trying to fit a square peg into a round hole now is there ?

As my feelings and understanding of myself and the environment around me evolves, things may change, but right now, I feeling rather let down by those that make a virtue of telling me that they have my best interests at heart, and that they are looking after me. They're not. They haven't, and they continue to provide fresh reasons to distrust them.

Like everything, any relationship has its time. It starts, it blossoms, and it grows, and in time, it fades away and withers. There's no point trying to get a dead plant to grow, no amount of watering and soft talking is going to produce green shoots.

People are funny things aren't they?  I only meant to write a line or two, while I waited for another video to upload. Instead I've managed to poor out a page of heartfelt (although rather vague), comma and parentheses  laden text. Semicolon close bracket.

To facebook or not to facebook.... that is the question.

I've decided to test myself, and to give up Facebook, and live TV until Easter. I know this is traditionally usually referred to as Lent, (the marking of abstinence in the Christian calendar from Shrove Tuesday and Easter). I'm sticking a disclaimer right here, because I'm just using the timing as a motivational device. I am absolutely not religious (I'm an atheist), don't have a problem with other people being religious, it's just not for me.

I want to see what effect removing these two massive distractions (time sucks) have on my life, and how much more productive with my creativity I am as a result. I have (as you can tell) already been blogging and vlogging a lot more in the last week.

To that end, I will still be making videos and writing entries, but I will also be making sure that I get some 'more solid' writing done. In school we would have called it 'creative writing', I wouldn't be able to guess what the hell they call it now. It still means making stuff up.



There was something else of a minor mishap this morning, which I will now save to tomorrow's vlog. Spoilers sweatie, spoilers.

Womanly Chores

So a morning cleaning on Saturday. It's amazing how therapeutic a spot of cleaning can be. Sad that even with the speeded up 'chipmunk' footage you can still tell how out of tune I am.

Sadly I think the footage from my Wildfire S isn't quite up to the task. Think I'm going to have to start taking a camcorder around with me unless I get something like a flipcam.

My apologies for shooting it in my pyjamas... and I thought the gray t-shirt made me look slimmer... if that's slimmer, christ ! Maybe I need to give up the Wispa Bars ?

Still if only I could have taken some footage showing how nice the flat looked AFTER I cleaned it.... I'll make someone a lovely housewife.

Switches

For those amongst you that are, ahem, easily turn of and on-able.... After last night's video, I actually really do need to get my body used to sleeping, and waking at a reasonable time. To that end, I may have cut a few corners with the creative integrity of this video....

Maybe...

I am still here...

I've got so many ways of getting my opinions 'out there' that I actually don't bother using them.

So, after a gap of 3 months, here I am, September 18th, in bed, sat at my netbook whilst half watching 'He's Just Not That Into You'. Drinking a cup of hot chocolate.

Anyone in the know, may have been reading the blog, and wondering if I'd actually made it to my 39th birthday. I did, and as I am sat here typing this somewhat meandering entry, have made it way past that point.

So many things have happened, all things that you can (if you are at all bothered) catchup with from my vlog.

I don't really do this because I kid myself that other people are remotely interested in what I have to say. I do this for entirely selfish reasons. It's the only time I can get my point across without someone trying to argue with me. 

As it is now three months since I enthusiastically decided to document each day counting down to my 40th birthday (and over nine months since I gave myself the new years' resolution of blogging daily). Time to catch myself up, decide if the targets or goals that I set for myself this year are really ones that I want to achieve, and if so, make sure that they do come true.

Last year turned out to be all about buying the flat. It wasn't until June time that this became apparent. There was a part of me that felt the need to find someone to spend time with, in my new home. I make it sound so clinical.

Have I changed any of my habits ? Have I done anything different ? So why am I expecting to get a different result ? I'm always telling the guys (in my team) at work that if they want different outcomes (in their performance) then they must do something different. As I believe Einstein said 'only a fool does the same thing and expects a different result'.

Just don't do this consistency thing very well. The bit where something becomes routine. Normal. Mundane.