Tuesday, 14 February 2012

You have got to be kidding...

Two blog entries in as many days ? I know. 

Today I felt rather panicked by the idea of going into work again. Not as bad as it was the other week, but still I was noticeably flustered. Two different people had asked me if I was okay within 5 minutes of me entering the building today. I had the shortness of breath, slight light headedness thing going on. 

Having said that, my new boss made sure I was ok, but gave me some space so that I could get myself calmed down and onto some work. That's what I needed really, to be able to focus on something else and just get into my day. 

There wasn't really anything in particular that I could put the situation down to, apart from that it was the first Monday back, and that last week, being only three days didn't seem so daunting. This was something else, maybe, realising that I have the week ahead of me. The whole week, and nothing but the week. With me not working Saturdays at the moment, that means that I'm not getting a day off in the week. 

By the time I get through typing this up, it'll be February 14th. Valentines day. My god is it really a year ago since I made a fool of myself buying that girl.... Hang on, that came out wrong. I didn't buy the girl. I bought the girl some valentines gifts. Way to go awkward guy.... 

Anyway. You see, there's this girl... that I've met up with a couple of times. A nice, funny girl, that seems to really like me. My prowess at understanding how this sort of social interaction works makes Doctor Sheldon Cooper look like the in veritable party animal. I don't want to be the source of her hurt. I also don't want her to feel that I am creating the wrong impression about what I am about, or what I am looking to get out of us getting to know each other. I'm really over thinking this, but trying to under-think things is like telling a fish to swallow a little less water. 

I just can't imagine me being in a relationship, with anyone, boy or girl. It's become such an unlikely possibility that I haven't even considered it. Have I gotten so used to living on my own, that I'm prepared to stay that way ? Wow. You don't necessarily chose celibacy. Celibacy chooses you. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the romantic vision, the snuggling up on the sofa, looking dreamily into someone's eyes, letting them take care of you. Making them the purpose of your every waking moment. Being in the arms of someone strong and protective. 

I just can't see how that idol bears any correlation to my existence. See. Over-thinking.... my skill for Overkill, at the thinking game.

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