Well, that was a close shave, wasn't it. No. Not at all. Terrible joke. Even by my standards.
I have watched some TV today, but nothing live. I've watched New Girl, Skins, Inside Men (this week and last week), Question Time and This Week. Wow. It's only by typing that all in, that I understand why I haven't gotten more done. Still. I feel a not entirely wasteful use of my day off. After all, I've had a nice long soak in a bath too.
I don't feel so bad now.
One thing that I didn't do, but that I guess I should have was arranged to meet up with the girl that I'd cancelled on meeting on Thursday. The thing is, I really get scared of going out places, meeting people, especially when I get the idea that they have feelings, that I seem destined to squash. Not being someone that likes trampling on anyone's feelings, or their tulips for that matter, I've done the next best thing and cowed away from setting anything up meeting wise. Way to go.
She does seem to have this idealised impression of me, as this fantastically brilliant person, which although terribly flattering, is pretty much guaranteed to lead to disappointment.
The Queen song, 'Somebody to love' is one of my all time favourites. You can't beat a bit of Queen, especially when cleaning. I've come to a bit of conclusion recently, and that comes from realising that there are people that I know, that may perhaps like me enough (or be able to put up with me enough) to want something more than friendship. So, I'm definitely not going (again) through a phase of 'nobody loves me, nobody cares...' What I've realised is this. That actually, the thing stopping me for finding that sort of companionship, love, if you like isn't choosing a partner, (girl, boy, whatever), it's actually me not being able to reach out with my feelings.
I feel a Star Wars quote coming.
I'd quite comfortably sit inside my shell, or prison, and drift along in my mundane existence, pacing out another 40 or so, years on the planet until I've finally had enough and die.
But what is it that I am so bloody afraid of ? I don't actually think I'm afraid of hurting my feelings, being hurt by someone else, in some ways, I'd actually need that - I need the pain to remind me that I am actually alive. God, I'm starting to sound all Emo now. Hang on while I just go get my eye-liner.
I do honestly think that I am afraid of hurting other people's feelings. Of letting them down, if I decide that they aren't the person I want, or need. I can intellectualise all these things, and come up with cast iron ways to justify to myself that doing nothing is the right thing to do.
There are people that I find attractive, and people that I find interesting, (and yes, some are even both !) and I don't mean that to come across in an egotistical, arrogant or snobby way. There's more to some people than others, and those with 'something' about them it's uplifting to spend time with as you peel back the layers and discover more and more about their lives and what makes them tick. I certainly don't think that I'm interesting, for starters, I never bloody do anything of interest.... yet I seem to desire to share that with the rest of the world through my blogging and vlogging. Vanity publishing doesn't even come close now does it ?
I don't know how to create, or better still, allow a situation to develop from acquaintance, friendship into something more. I've put too much thought into it, come up with all the reasons why I shouldn't do a thing, and obliterated all the reasons why I should do it.
Food for thought there. I'm glad I could thrash that out with you. If this doesn't make sense to you, it does (kind of) to me. Thanks for listening/watching/reading.