July ? Already ? You have to be having a fucking laugh !

All fucking ready ?  You must be bloody joking ! How the hell has half the year passed without so much as a blink. It's ridiculous. I want a refund. I want to speak to a manager. 

Monday July 1st. Not really a bad day. It was very warm last night, and it's only moderately cooler tonight. I couldn't get that much sleep last night. As it was I decided to make things easy for myself, and allow for a lie in, but having a bath Sunday night. 

The bath, I'm not going to lie was absolutely lovely. It's been quite a while since I pampered myself with a nice soak. Anyway. To bed I went. Fresh and clean. Ready to slumber I may have been, but my body and mind we not really on the same page as it were. I was just wide awake. So there I lay, trying to get to sleep. Feeling hot, with windows open as much as I dare, worrying slightly that the cats might try and get out the windows overnight. 

None the less, I've had a really good day today at work. I'd rather have gotten more creative stuff done, but I foolishly turned on that machine which sucks away my evenings. It is only now, as I type that I realise one of the reasons I had not gone to bed sooner was so that I could stay up and watch the first episode of the last series of Skins - the exceedingly well written, casted, directed and acted youth drama that's been running for about the last five years. Every couple of years they change out the characters, and present a different set of backgrounds and problems. 

I had made myself stay up in order to watch that. But have forgotten when it got to Ten O'Clock and started watching some other stuff (Have I Got News for You) on Dave. I've probably seen the episode fourteen times already. 

Dammit. I will just have to check up on the catchup application tomorrow. I am not now going to watch it tonight. 

Okay. July 1st. I actually did some work editing my NaNoWriMo over the weekend. I didn't make a huge amount of progress, but still, I was satisfied that I actually started looking at the damn thing again. 

I have brought a pair of flip-flops. 

Every self defacing middle aged man should buy himself a pair of flip-flops. Just so everyone else can laugh at him when he trips over and stubs his toe. 

Seriously, it was bloody boiling over the weekend, and having gotten on a train to go pick up my daughter, only to have her call me to tell me she was getting a light to mine, I suddenly found myself with the opportunity to get off the train at Hilsea, walk back towards the flat - going past Lidl. I don't normally get to go in there, so had a peak, and ended up buying a couple of things for Chloe's birthday. 

I also brought the flip-flops. To be honest, at one pound forty-nine I couldn't give a shit if they fall apart next week. (Remember this, because if they do, I will be moaning like hell. What a waste of money, I'll say). 

Anyway, with only weeks to go, Chloe has finally acted upon my request to provide me with that which is most arduous and difficult. The challenge to end all others. The list to separate the idiots from the stupid. I speak of course, of the birthday list. That sacred thing which the parent of any Teenager knows they dare not purchase gifts without consulting THE LIST. 

 

Beard be gone !

I woke up today at 7:30. 7    30... I can't shout it when I'm typing, no capitals like you can with letters.. oh, hang on...

7:30

Yup, I think that gets it across. I've had a full and moderately useful day. I've vacuumed the flat (would do a full clean, but to be honest, It's only been a week and the place doesn't get THAT dirty) - I know rock and roll. Rock and roll. I've then spent a considerable amount of my time trying to get together another Midnight and Twilight video, and instead have again farted out this little 'creation'

Well, that was a close shave, wasn't it. No. Not at all. Terrible joke. Even by my standards.

I have watched some TV today, but nothing live. I've watched New Girl, Skins, Inside Men (this week and last week), Question Time and This Week. Wow. It's only by typing that all in, that I understand why I haven't gotten more done. Still. I feel a not entirely wasteful use of my day off. After all, I've had a nice long soak in a bath too.

I don't feel so bad now.

One thing that I didn't do, but that I guess I should have was arranged to meet up with the girl that I'd cancelled on meeting on Thursday. The thing is, I really get scared of going out places, meeting people, especially when I get the idea that they have feelings, that I seem destined to squash. Not being someone that likes trampling on anyone's feelings, or their tulips for that matter, I've done the next best thing and cowed away from setting anything up meeting wise. Way to go. .

She does seem to have this idealised impression of me, as this fantastically brilliant person, which although terribly flattering, is pretty much guaranteed to lead to disappointment.

The Queen song, 'Somebody to love' is one of my all time favourites. You can't beat a bit of Queen, especially when cleaning. I've come to a bit of conclusion recently, and that comes from realising that there are people that I know, that may perhaps like me enough (or be able to put up with me enough) to want something more than friendship. So, I'm definitely not going (again) through a phase of 'nobody loves me, nobody cares...' What I've realised is this. That actually, the thing stopping me for finding that sort of companionship, love, if you like isn't choosing a partner, (girl, boy, whatever), it's actually me not being able to reach out with my feelings.

I feel a Star Wars quote coming.

I'd quite comfortably sit inside my shell, or prison, and drift along in my mundane existence, pacing out another 40 or so, years on the planet until I've finally had enough and die.

But what is it that I am so bloody afraid of ? I don't actually think I'm afraid of hurting my feelings, being hurt by someone else, in some ways, I'd actually need that - I need the pain to remind me that I am actually alive. God, I'm starting to sound all Emo now. Hang on while I just go get my eye-liner.

I do honestly think that I am afraid of hurting other people's feelings. Of letting them down, if I decide that they aren't the person I want, or need. I can intellectualise all these things, and come up with cast iron ways to justify to myself that doing nothing is the right thing to do.

There are people that I find attractive, and people that I find interesting, (and yes, some are even both !) and I don't mean that to come across in an egotistical, arrogant or snobby way. There's more to some people than others, and those with 'something' about them it's uplifting to spend time with as you peel back the layers and discover more and more about their lives and what makes them tick. I certainly don't think that I'm interesting, for starters, I never bloody do anything of interest.... yet I seem to desire to share that with the rest of the world through my blogging and vlogging. Vanity publishing doesn't even come close now does it ?

I don't know how to create, or better still, allow a situation to develop from acquaintance, friendship into something more. I've put too much thought into it, come up with all the reasons why I shouldn't do a thing, and obliterated all the reasons why I should do it.

Food for thought there. I'm glad I could thrash that out with you. If this doesn't make sense to you, it does (kind of) to me. Thanks for listening/watching/reading.