1 week in... what's changed ?

Here I am, a week into my facebook and live TV free phase of abstinence, and I have to say that I haven't felt any pain for giving either of them up. 


What I do feel is that I have had a lot more time and energy for doing productive and creative things. Even with my recent increase in hours at work, I've still felt good. Less than 6 hours sleep a night hasn't dented my enthusiasm for wanting to film and edit my vlog. Evidence of which you can see on this very blog. 


Facebook did send me an email, bless them, like a really insecure and needy girlfriend they sent me this the other day :-

facebook

Hi Simon, Here's some activity you may have missed on Facebook. 1 friend request 1 message 14 notifications

There was moment of wobble the day after, when I considered just who the friend request might actually be from. Curiosity. Intrigue, mystery. 


Then of course I came to the conclusion, that surely I actually know this person in the real world, and if they want to talk to me they can ? Unless of course they are so insulted by my apparent denial of their friendship request that they have snubbed me in reality as some form of digital revenge. 


That may be the case, and if so, perhaps I am better off without such a friend ? They would not be able to see the facebook status updates I had made prior to my 'departure' about the period of abstinence, as my privacy settings prevent people that are not my friends from seeing my facebook updates. 


I am sure they, and I will get over this small issue. 


Otherwise I can honestly say that I do not miss it at all, I have gotten very quickly used to not checking facebook every five bloody minutes. I certainly don't miss the constant updates or requests concerning people's farms or mafia gangs. Again like a version of Sim City, but a lot more annoying. 


One habit that I have formed this week, is that I go outside every lunch break, (really important when you work cooped up in the in artificial environment of an office), I actually have my lunch at my desk before I go to lunch. In doing so I have my whole hour (or just under) to sit in the open air, just by myself. More often than not I have taken the opportunity to sit and write. This has been invaluable working on the story background and development for The Adventures Of Stephen Brown. I'm quite pleased with how that's progressing,  


I have rarely turned on the TV this week at all. Tonight, I put it on to watch Skins, and that was it. Then it went off. No drifting through channels of mindless shit. No wasting away my evening on stuff I don't really want to see. 


So although I got out of work an hour late today, and it was the strangest and perhaps less fulfilling day, it has had its compensations. My boss is letting me finish an hour early tomorrow to make up for it. This means that I finish at 4 tomorrow ! Yay !!! 


And 4:30 Friday, Friday, oh you are so close, I can almost smell the weekend. Hannah is coming round for some eats and a DVD. We'll see what we watch, and if I get to cry or not. 


Anyhoo, after feeling so energised and alert, and awake.. now, I'm not. So bed for me it is. 

Where on the stairs.. right there, a little man with a vlog on...

From the bedroom (again).. with disgruntled cat looking on

Filmed with my wildfire S, and the camera flash to illuminate things. Midnight giving me evils.

Beard be gone !

I woke up today at 7:30. 7    30... I can't shout it when I'm typing, no capitals like you can with letters.. oh, hang on...

7:30

Yup, I think that gets it across. I've had a full and moderately useful day. I've vacuumed the flat (would do a full clean, but to be honest, It's only been a week and the place doesn't get THAT dirty) - I know rock and roll. Rock and roll. I've then spent a considerable amount of my time trying to get together another Midnight and Twilight video, and instead have again farted out this little 'creation'

Well, that was a close shave, wasn't it. No. Not at all. Terrible joke. Even by my standards.

I have watched some TV today, but nothing live. I've watched New Girl, Skins, Inside Men (this week and last week), Question Time and This Week. Wow. It's only by typing that all in, that I understand why I haven't gotten more done. Still. I feel a not entirely wasteful use of my day off. After all, I've had a nice long soak in a bath too.

I don't feel so bad now.

One thing that I didn't do, but that I guess I should have was arranged to meet up with the girl that I'd cancelled on meeting on Thursday. The thing is, I really get scared of going out places, meeting people, especially when I get the idea that they have feelings, that I seem destined to squash. Not being someone that likes trampling on anyone's feelings, or their tulips for that matter, I've done the next best thing and cowed away from setting anything up meeting wise. Way to go. .

She does seem to have this idealised impression of me, as this fantastically brilliant person, which although terribly flattering, is pretty much guaranteed to lead to disappointment.

The Queen song, 'Somebody to love' is one of my all time favourites. You can't beat a bit of Queen, especially when cleaning. I've come to a bit of conclusion recently, and that comes from realising that there are people that I know, that may perhaps like me enough (or be able to put up with me enough) to want something more than friendship. So, I'm definitely not going (again) through a phase of 'nobody loves me, nobody cares...' What I've realised is this. That actually, the thing stopping me for finding that sort of companionship, love, if you like isn't choosing a partner, (girl, boy, whatever), it's actually me not being able to reach out with my feelings.

I feel a Star Wars quote coming.

I'd quite comfortably sit inside my shell, or prison, and drift along in my mundane existence, pacing out another 40 or so, years on the planet until I've finally had enough and die.

But what is it that I am so bloody afraid of ? I don't actually think I'm afraid of hurting my feelings, being hurt by someone else, in some ways, I'd actually need that - I need the pain to remind me that I am actually alive. God, I'm starting to sound all Emo now. Hang on while I just go get my eye-liner.

I do honestly think that I am afraid of hurting other people's feelings. Of letting them down, if I decide that they aren't the person I want, or need. I can intellectualise all these things, and come up with cast iron ways to justify to myself that doing nothing is the right thing to do.

There are people that I find attractive, and people that I find interesting, (and yes, some are even both !) and I don't mean that to come across in an egotistical, arrogant or snobby way. There's more to some people than others, and those with 'something' about them it's uplifting to spend time with as you peel back the layers and discover more and more about their lives and what makes them tick. I certainly don't think that I'm interesting, for starters, I never bloody do anything of interest.... yet I seem to desire to share that with the rest of the world through my blogging and vlogging. Vanity publishing doesn't even come close now does it ?

I don't know how to create, or better still, allow a situation to develop from acquaintance, friendship into something more. I've put too much thought into it, come up with all the reasons why I shouldn't do a thing, and obliterated all the reasons why I should do it.

Food for thought there. I'm glad I could thrash that out with you. If this doesn't make sense to you, it does (kind of) to me. Thanks for listening/watching/reading.

Don't be an idiot

On the way to work Thursday morning, I hurt myself coming down the stairs on the 700 bus. In my eagerness to get off the bus, I'd decided to try and come down the stairs at precisely the moment that the bus pulled away from a set of traffic lights.

Thankfully I was holding on, otherwise I would have fallen down the stairs. As it was at one point I was suspended in mid air, with my feet hanging free, with my hands supporting my weight. Good job I wasn't holding onto my kindle or phone at that point, as not only would they have gone flying, but I would have too, into the not very friendly looking metal bar at the bottom of the stairwell. Idiot.

It being the cat's birthdays I celebrated it with them by buying some treat sticks for them, which they did seem to enjoy, and getting some slightly different food, which they seemed to appreciate. Anyway, I made a short video to explain all that, but having just read this, you may think that watching it will be a waste of your time. You may be right. But anyway, here's the video.....

I also took some footage whilst I was cleaning the cat litter tray, which I was going to edit into something like the talking animals type video of The Dumb, The Unwilling, and the Washing Machine... That I will leave to another day to edit. Laters.